So I had the unfortunate experience of bumping into one of the kinds of people I thought were few and far between.  In my life, I have only met one or two deaf people that just do not like hearing people or anything they have to say.  For whatever reason they have this belief or behavior is of no consequence – because quite frankly, whatever it is, I had nothing do to with it and it is not my responsibility to shoulder the blame from the shit you had to deal with in your past.  I did not mainstream you, rap your hands with a ruler for signing, or beat vocal lessons into you.  I did not try to force you to conform to the hearing world.

I should not have to say it out loud, but I, as a hearing person, am not responsible for the shit you went through in the past.  While I have not experienced it, I understand that some deaf people went through some serious shit at the hands of hearing people – other hearing people, but I cannot fix the past, and I cannot apologize for something I did not do wrong – please stop expecting me to, and please do not automatically ascribe to me behaviors that I am not directly expressing.

Nevertheless when dealing with these people, there is just no right way to have a critical discussion.  Everything is misconstrued as an attack, sweeping negative generalizations are made, and any attempt at defense just seems to aggravate the situation even more.  Here is a capture of one such example.  I had to paste together three different images, but this is the entirety of this comment thread from TikTok:

Note the response from TG:

Wow, the audacity to tell us what we should say.  Wow.  Such a privileged statement.

Can anyone tell me where I did anything other than make a suggestion?  Where I was flexing any kind of privilege at all?  It was coming from my years of experience with, and knowledge of, both the d/Deaf and hearing worlds – something that not everyone can attest to, I might add.

This kind of response is a perfect example of a trap one can get sucked into – everything is misconstrued, and any response is treated as an attack, and attempts to defend oneself also get twisted into assignment of blame.  I have no doubt this would have degraded into something about “hearing fragility” should the exchange had continued, but I stopped there, and then TG blocked me (luckily tools exist to still be able to access existing content.)

Here was a separate comment thread that occurred before that one (this is a long one, pasted together as well):

So to start off with we have:

1. TG demonstratively (and maybe intentionally?) missing the point where I presented “appropriating English” as an example of a possible POV and as a further example of how things are not so simple when it comes to natural languages
2. TG specifically choosing not to address his issues directly with me  on the thread in question or via DM but instead chose to start a new thread (effectively and simply refer to me simply as that hearing person, which in itself is a generalization

There is also another person that chimed in and offered an opinion  (“talking over Deaf people and trying to silence them”) that they could not substantiate when asked.  It is interesting to see how much of a leap it took to get there.  But anyway, I digress…

OK, fine, while this immediately feels like the no good way to say anything toxic-trap, I should not assume that he is being disingenuous or using “hearing person” in a derogatory fashion, right?  Benefit of the doubt is required in order to have meaningful and productive discussions.  So even though I have seen this behavior before, I take the bait and try to conduct a conversation.

(As an aside, this was starting to feel like the judgmental church goer personality/mentality – the kind of person that talks about Jesus in church and to his friends & family, but conveniently ignores his teachings when outside of the church, especially with people that are not like you.)

I state my position, reiterate that it was an example being made, it is NOT how I personally feel about the issue, and that I am interested in having constructive discussions, and imply that it requires a change to avoid shutdown tactics and a willingness to disagree and still be able to move forward as adults.

In response, I get that my statements are oppressive and I am not listening – but he has said nothing along the lines of proper discussion yet (nothing to “listen” to).  Simply making a statement with a implied reason of “because I say it is!” is not a discussion – it is a one-sided conversation where one person is simply venting at another.  While he also correctly states I have not suffered language oppression on the level that some deaf people have, it does not mean that I have not experienced cultural oppression (from my own family, no less).

I respond stating that yes, I am in fact hearing (well, HoH now) and reminded that I stated my intent above and implied how inappropriate it was for anyone to try (incorrectly, in this case) to determine my intent on their own.  I also challenged the assertion that all of my statements were oppressive, reminded how generalizations are inappropriate and have no place in civil discourse, and requested verification of the belief that they were all oppressive.

I made it clear that this issue would have to be addressed, otherwise I would not continue – I know this trap, and there is nothing to be gained by having every future comment labeled as oppressive and shut out of discussion.  The way to avoid this is to get the accuser admit that they perhaps went too far.  If they cannot, or will not, admit it, you know you have someone that is not capable of having the necessary discussions.

And finally I get the sign off that I do not want to listen to “us” – as if TG represents the d/Deaf community as a whole – drops a movie quote, and later blocks me, which is a common seagull tactic – fly in, shit on things, and leave.  He is half-right – I do not want to listen to constant attacks and having my responses being misconstrued because of an inability to have a civil discussion – and I do not have to.  Not every fight is worth fighting.  I regret that he was unable to rise to the occasion, but that is life – some things simply elude some people.